Next weekend is one of, typically, two trips I take home to Northern Idaho to visit my family. When people hear this, the common response is, "Oh! How nice it must be to see them!," the truth is that it kind of sucks. I've been wallowing in my self-pity all week, wondering why, and it finally dawned on me that I am going home in less than a weeks time.
Every time I go home, I slip back into the same roll that I've always played in the family dynamics and forget all of the healing, learning, therapy, conflict resolution tools, etc...basically I feel like I forget who I am and regress back to the self-conscious, victimized child of the past.
Over the past 9 months, I've watched myself become truly transformed. I relate, completely, to the caterpillar-butterfly metaphor. I feel that I have a new lease on life. I was living in the past for a long time. I was hanging onto so many painful memories and living them over and over again. It was truly hell on Earth for awhile in my life. I was specifically hanging onto memories I can directly attribute to my Mother. I am envious to those of you who have bonds with your mothers and are able to share, obtain advice, and really get on a level with your mother. I am also learning to let this envy go too. To give you a greater understanding-I have a difficult time picking out Mother's Day cards. I am not a pretentious person, and I can't pretend with my mother either. Ok, back to the my transformation. Over the past few months I've FINALLY forgiven my mother. I really let it go. I no longer dwell on the past, and if I do, it is only for a moment and does not have the power it once had over me. I've also decided, based on this forgiveness, that I am going to tell my mother that I forgive her. This is going to be nothing short of difficult. I have no idea what to expect nor if my mom is going to cop to, and say, "thank you Andi," or "what are you talking about?"...I don't have an idea...but I do know this-forgiveness isn't about my mom, it's about me and if my friends can forgive me for all of the crap I've put them through, then surely enough I can forgive my mother for what she's done. I feel that part of the process of forgiving my mom is letting her know, and this will be the last step in my forgiveness. Although I may always have to sort through the broken shards of the past, I can now do it without the pain that once accompanied me for a very long, hard time.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.